The Stonar Way 14.02.25

Happy Valentine’s Day! The ancient Greeks had at least seven different words for love, each describing a distinct type of connection. In English, we just have one. On Valentine’s Day, we tend to focus on only one of these - eros, the passionate, romantic love associated with desire and attraction. Named after the Greek god of fertility, eros was something the Greeks viewed with caution, as it involved a loss of control. Ironically, in modern relationships, losing control is often seen as part of the excitement of falling “madly” in love.

But eros is just one version of love. The Greeks also recognised ludus, a playful, flirtatious love that is fun but fleeting, and philautia, or self-love. This came in two forms - an unhealthy, narcissistic obsession with oneself, and a healthier version that enables a person to love others because they are secure in themselves. Aristotle put it well: “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of one’s feelings for himself.”

Philia, or deep friendship, was regarded as more important than eros. This was the love of comradeship, loyalty, and shared experience - the kind of love that holds people together through thick and thin. Storge was the unconditional love between family members, particularly between parents and children, while pragma was a mature, enduring love built on commitment, compromise, and long-term best interests. It is pragma that allows love to deepen over time, evolving into companionship rather than fading away.

And then there’s agape - selfless, universal love. This is the love that extends beyond personal relationships, the kind that asks nothing in return. It became central to Christian teachings and is also reflected in Buddhist metta, or loving-kindness.

This rather begs the question - why do we limit our celebration of love to eros? Instead of focusing only on romantic passion, perhaps Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to appreciate philia and storge - the love of friends and family that we so often take for granted. Better still, why not make it a celebration of agape, a love that extends beyond ourselves, reminding us of our shared responsibility to create a kinder, more compassionate world?